The 'wedge of darkness'
I was recently re-reading 'To The Lighthouse' in light (no pun intended) of the end of my lectures on it. One of the characters, Mrs. Ramsay, describes herself as a 'wedge of darkness' at multiple points in the first part of the novel. This struck a chord with me (not just because I've used Wedge as an online callsign for years and because I'm a member of a clan called Dark Tyrants Empire) because I recognise the darkness within myself.
It's within all of us, although we tend not to want to admit it. The realisation that we are fundamentally too small, that the world as we perceive it is mostly a comfortable illusion and that we are reluctant to admit that we are insignificant. Mrs. Ramsay knows that the social events she struggles to organise are ultimately pointless, just as we know that worrying about if the girl or guy we like likes us back is ultimately pointless. We are born and then we die. Anything in between that is less than the tiniest sliver of time and is far too small to matter. We are less than dust in the galaxy.
I've only met a few people who really struggle to totally grasp this concept, they tend to see the world in terms of themselves and their immediate surroundings and are invariably extremely dull to talk to. It's rather like talking to a small child, one that doesn't understand the ultimate futility of their existence because they haven't been alive long enough yet.
I must admit that I sound a little like I'm just a bit depressed and perhaps I am. It occurs to me that if this is such a universal truth, why am I telling everyone? Perhaps I'm just reminding myself not to get carried away, not to believe that I am any more important than any of the other bits of the dust I interact with. It's bleak, it's harsh but life *is* bleak and harsh and when you forget that you forget who you really are, you lose your own wedge of darkness.
I'm at a difficult age and a difficult time in my life generally. My generation seems to lack the motivation to actually DO anything, those who are slighty younger have had the desire for material goods pressed into their heads for so long that the acquisition of money and possessions is the key focus in their lives. Those who are slightly older seem to crave stability and to lead a simple (and repetitive) life. But we are a generation without a purpose (ok, less of a purpose than other generations; the only real purpose humanity seems to have is to multiply). So what am I worried about? I guess I worry about the end of history. The same end of history that countless people have claimed was upon them.
We feel the need to change things before our time is suddenly and unexpectedly up but we never can. Humanity will persist, nothing will ever change. Nothing ever does. We move through life convinced of our 'free will', of our own importance in the grand scheme of things. We talk of God or Allah or the laws of Samsara or whatever mish-mash of religious belief gets us through the day as if it matters. We talk as if we matter. Never forget that we do not. All we are is less than dust in the galaxy.
[ Entry posted at: Tue 25 Apr 2006 15:48:17 UTC | 3 comment(s)... | Cat: Rant ]
talyn256 writes:
Ouch. That's one bleak rant.
I think some days I'd agree with you and some days I wouldn't. It all depends on my energy levels.
But you have to live life within your own perspectives. If you go too high up the ladder then everything makes you feel small.
I think you're suffering from a condition caused by a performance-oriented society. Everyone is concerned with being good enough. But you feel like nothing is ever good enough, ever.
People strive for the best because it's like the horizon - You can always see where it is but you'll never actually get there.
Humanity's hopeless, I think. I'd like to fix all the problems but there'll always be problems. It's inevitable. If there's a nuclear war tomorrow and we all die then maybe it's for the best. But we're lucky enough to be alive, so may as well do something, anything, before it all goes awry.
I think we evolved too quickly. We achieved too much without the proper control. I mean, humanity's spiralling out of control, eating up resources, polluting, breeding. Things can't go on like this. Something will give eventually.
It might sound a bit fascist. But I think a lot of "freedom" people have should be taken away. The right to vote and the right to breed spring to mind. This is because I believe that not everybody is capable of making an informed decision as to whats best for the future. And, without question, that there are too many people in the world and, if we keep breeding, then resources will dwindle ever faster and our descendants will return to Darwinian struggles.
But maybe that's inevitable. Maybe that would be a good thing. I'm not sure...
Kind of strange that, in the most bountiful era of history where there are more possibilities than ever before, people seem to be more unhappy than ever.
I do feel down, at times. But I feel self-absorbed and ignorant for doing so. I think we're very lucky to live in such interesting times, with so many possibilities. We'll never match the stars. But do we need to?
Existence is finite and meaningless beyond the boundaries of influence. We can't look down as gods upon everything and then stretch humanity to comparable size.
We're not much. But we're something. And that is, undeniably, better than nothing. Probably not something forever. But something for now.
That suits me just fine. I wasn't busy anyway.
[ Tue 25 Apr 2006 22:21:12 UTC ]
Jo writes:
Maybe you're right, but why waste time and energy worrying about the 'inevitable'?
The best thing in life is living.
[ Wed 26 Apr 2006 11:43:38 UTC ]
Pete writes:
Any time I think bleak thoughts like this, I'm inevitably reminded of the book of Ecclesiastes. "What does man gain from all his labour at which he toils under the sun?" moans the philosopher. "Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again."
It seems to me like the vast majority of jobs exist because other jobs exist. Administration exists just to keep societies organised. Law is there to stop people tearing at each other's throats so they can get on with their lives. Trade exists to keep people supplied with food and luxuries, and supplies to help them do their jobs, not (at least directly) to advance the human race. And I inevitably come to thinking that art is the highest achievement of man, that everything but art (and maybe exploration) is derivative, that the only thing that can truly originate with man and not Nature is art.
And when I consider the unfathomable vastness of the universe and our position in it, I can only come to the conclusion that, however tiny we seem, it's pointless feeling intimidated or frightened by this. It's futile to worry about the fact that we might not live to see our dreams and visions for the human race fulfilled: we are finite beings, and we will inevitably lead finitely long lives and have a finite impression upon the universe. As the philosopher says: "Useless, useless! Utterly useless! Everything is useless." Yet if that's really the case, then worrying is useless, and we may as well just get on with our lives, and not have unrealistic expectations of ourselves.
Ultimately, I think that if we can conceive of ourselves only as tiny parts of an uncaring, incomprehensible universe, we will never find any meaning for life beyond multiplying and simply living out our lives. And it's really for this reason above any other that I've always believed in God - without something beyond the universe to look out to, nothing can possibly make the slightest bit of sense.
[ Wed 26 Apr 2006 23:10:07 UTC ]