| Symptom | Fault | ACTION |
|---|---|---|
| Feet cold and wet. | Glass being held at incorrect angle. | Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. |
| Feet warm and wet. | Improper bladder control. | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. |
| Beer unusually pale and tasteless. | Glass empty. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. | You have fallen over backward. | Have yourself tied to bar. |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts. | You have fallen forward. | See Above |
| Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. | Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. |
| Floor blurred. | You are looking through bottom of empty glass. | Get someone to buy you another beer. |
| Floor moving. | You are being carried out. | Find out if you are being taken to another bar. |
| Room seems unusually dark. | Bar has closed. | Confirm home address with bartender. |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. | Cover mouth. |
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Contact me at cmckenna@sucs.swan.ac.uk