Awkward's Humour and Sillies

Automotive Engineering

On automotive engineering:

The English will use 4 fasteners - all of different threads without lock washers. Each of these will require the need for a long thin spanner and a great deal of patience to remove or replace. The part will be located in such a way that it is exposed to the maximum corrosion available and will be accessible only by removing something particularly greasy, rusted or frustrating.

The French and Italians will make the part out of stamped .28 gauge steel where a casting would be required. It will be retained by three fasteners each of which is a wing nut. The fasteners will be anchored in a stamped metal strip held on by two pop rivets. It will be located on the firewall or inner fender and will come pre-rusted.

The German part will be made of cast aluminum with nicely machined fins. It will be attached to a forged steel mount and cleverly mounted inside a steamlined baffle designed to tidy up the appearance of the engine compartment. It will be retained by 5 Grade 8 fasteners each of which will have a specific and critical torque setting. Removal will require the use of the factory tool only. Refitting will be impossible and will require the replacement of the entire unit by an upgrade.

The Japanese part will be made of plastic retained by a patented plastic clip which is attached to the inner fender in a series of similar parts. It will have a stick-on foil label explaining in Japanese that the part is not to be repaired. A new part will cost more than the German part, 5 times as much as the Italian or French part, and more than the entire British vehicle.

The car will run badly without the British part however the owner will not notice after drinking a pint of bitter. The owner will quite enjoy the bad performance after an additional pint, preferably of Guiness. The Italian and French cars will run with complete indifference which will be replaced by a jaded curiosity if 1 litre of red wine is added to the fuel tank.

The German car will not run and the part will send a message to the manufacturer via a hidden computer link/transmitter that the car has been disabled. The dealer will arrive with a tow truck, rental car and a large bill. The consolation bottle of schnapps will be included in the bill.

The Japanese part will activate a hidden on-board timer which will result in the collapse of the entire vehicle exactly five years after the date of manufacture. The collapse will signal the Japanese Autocrusher Union to come and collect the remains, while the owner is offered a discount on the purchase of a new car over a ceremonial cup of sake.

Finally, the American car will have eliminated the need for the part in question over 30 years ago.

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Last updated 27/01/2001 at 16:23