Awkward's Humour and Sillies

This is a compilation of actual student GCSE answers...

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
   They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the
   Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the
   Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of
   their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened
   bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount
   Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't
   have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
   

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
   advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
   After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
   threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans
   because they never stayed in one place for very long.

10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
    The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made
    king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the
    fiddle to them.

12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
    Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the
    same offense.

13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of
    the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote
    literature.

14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple
    while standing on his son's head.

15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
    When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
    removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
    circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
    invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised
    the world with a 100 foot clipper.

17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
    He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
    much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
    comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
    Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish
    was to be laid by Juliet.

18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote
    Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
    Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
    navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
    ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's
    Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people
    died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all
    this.

21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in
    their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
    without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay
    for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
    Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
    singers of the declaration of Independence.

22. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared,
    "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and
    is still dead.

23. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
    domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to
    keep bare arms.

24. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
    died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
    own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
    Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
    and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
    The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor.
    This ruined Booth's career.

25. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
    Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

26. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the
    autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large
    number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
    kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
    famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half
    Italian and half English. He was very large.

28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote
    loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling
    for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
    

29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into
    Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine
    was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.

30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the
    East and the sun sets in the West.

31. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
    She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event
    which ended her reign.

32. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.
    People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine.
    The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
    Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

33. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist
    who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl
    Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

34. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist,
    ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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