These are the replies I received from my true love, when I sent her the gifts of the 12 days of Christmas:
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
December 26
Dearest Bill:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest Love and Devotion,
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
December 27
Dearest Bill:
Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them.
With deepest Love,
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
December 28
Dearest Bill:
Oh! Your third gift arrived! You really went too far, I think. I don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind.
Love,
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
December 29
Dearest Bill:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more....so please, no more birds!! But, thanks.
Affectionately,
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
December 30
Dearest Bill:
What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful...and so quiet!!
All my love,
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
December 31
Dear Bill:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poop that they were laying..complete with a large count of coloform bacteria. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining. The police came by with a formal complaint, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for the new years eve celebration tonight.
Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!!
Cordially,
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
January 1
Bill:
Happy New Year...to some people. It hasn't been so happy with me. What's with you and those dumb birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There's bird guana all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. You have gone too far, bird brain. STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS!! GOT IT?
Sincerely,
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
January 2
OK, WISE GUY:
I think I prefer the birds over this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a yard full of cow patties? Their piles are all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE OF YOUR "GIFTS".
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
January 3
Hey, Vacuum-for-a-brain:
What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. You'll get yours, buddy.
Sara
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
January 4
You rotten piece of cow patty:
What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows. At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows are mooing all night having gotten diarrhea. My living room is a sewer! The City Commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause why my house shouldn't be condemned.
I'm filing a complaint to the police about you!
One who means it.
Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, USA
January 5
Listen, brainless:
Now there's eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing those maids or dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? There is a petition going around to evict me from the neigborhood.
I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Sara
Law Offices
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
1313 Grunge St
Somewhere, USA
January 6
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove. The damage, of course, was total. She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove at Happy Glen Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Firm of
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
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