December 26th
I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
December 27th
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your sweet gift. Just imagine ......... two turtle doves! I'm just delighted at your thoughtfulness. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 28th
Dearest John,
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity .......... THREE French Hens!!! They are just darling, but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 29th
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough? You are being TOO romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 30th
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings... one for every finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 31st
Dear John,
What goes on? When I opened the door today there were actually six geese-a- layin' on my front steps, so your back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are HUGE. Where will I even keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
January 1st
John,
What's with you and these fucking birds? Seven Swans-a-swimming. What kind of damn joke is that? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so STOP...OKAY?
Sincerely,
Agnes
January 2nd
OKAY, Buster,
I think I prefer the birds...what the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There's shit all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off, Smartass!!!
Agnes
January 3rd
Listen Shithead,
What are you, some kind of idiot? Now there's nine pipers playing, and Christ do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset, and they're stomping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors are starting a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
January 4th
You Dirty Prick!!!
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call these sluts "ladies". They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and furthermore, they have diarrhea. my living room is a river of shit. The City Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the cops on you..........I mean it!!!
January 5th
You DIRTY, ROTTEN, BASTARD!!!
What's with the eleven Lords-a-Leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through all the maids, and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead...they were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you stupid fucking moron.
Your ETERNAL ENEMY,
Agnes
January 6th
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Agnes Crawford. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you attempt to reach Miss Crawford at the sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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