Alternative History

This is an extract from "Dave & Lou's Guide To Life" entitled "Lemons", which I shamelessly ripped from their site :0) By the way, it was Lou who wrote in green here... Once apon a time was a lemon. Years later it was found in a cool box whilst at a camping site in Somerset and christened MAMSAC. He spent many happy hours being chucked over tents and going mouldy (see below), before being ritually burnt with meths on a trangia, and, when that method of citricide failed, ceremonially squashed by a minibus. At least he died for a good cause. Not sure what though. The next year there was another lemon called Namwie and a lime called Jose. These also went mouldy and were used as stress toys for tense campers, and were generally abused in disgusting ways. Jose was buried at sea (lobbed into a lake) where he waits... until next year... ...When there was a grapefruit called Hillary, who narrowly avoided the horrific fate of less fortunate kiwi fruit - that of being splatted all over the place with a mallet, and managed to survive the week relatively unscathed, and was ceremonially gaffer-taped to a nearby tree, to facilitate her recovery next year without the use of SCUBA equipment. So now you know. Don't believe her? Then check out my version....

101 (well, 19) Things To Do With A Lemon Also ripped from their site :0) Throw it over a tent Throw it at things De-stress when you are stressed Freshen your hands with a lemony flavour Dress it up and use it as a model for wrap-around shades Squish it under a minibus tyre Cut in in half with electric car windows Wrap it up and give it to your bestest mate Commit citricide - the act of killing lemons Wash it up and dry it Cuddle it when you are down Cover it in spotty nail varnish Burn it and make everything smell absolutely gooorgeeous... Lip-ups (Billy Kennedy style) Prong it on a tent peg as a sacrifice Cut it into 2 pieces - one half for your hat, one for someone else' when they want to look cool Put it in a blender and add a pinch of salt to make compost to grow potatoes in Put it in your shoe for an exhilarating foot massage Put it in your microwave and watch it explode Bleach your hair with it's juice then sit in the sun