The following are a series of instructions to students who have recently moved
into student digs on how to get the most important meal of the day. That meal
being breakfast. These have been provided as a public service to students who
suddenly realise that they are going to have to do this for themselves at some
point in their existence on this planet.
- Stumble into kitchen
- Open cupboard
- Realise cornflakes packet is in fact empty
- Stumble round to shop
- Buy cornflakes
- Stumble back
- Open fridge
- Retrieve your milk from fridge
- Open and smell milk
- Pour away milk because it has gone off!
- Stumble back to shop
- Buy milk (full cream preferred)
- Stumble back home and into the kitchen once again
- Place hand in sink of grease and cold water
- Try to locate bowl in bottom of sink
- Pull out bowl
- Rinse bowl briefly under cold tap
- Shake bowl until nearly dry
- Try to open cornflakes
- Once cornflakes are open (and half of them have gone over the floor as the
packet exploded) place a few into bowl
- Open milk
- Pour far too much milk onto the cornflakes in the bowl
- Run around like a headless chicken looking for a spoon (this could take some
time because it can be guaranteed that your housemates will have hidden
them all)
- Using the spoon that you eventually locate place the now soggy cornflakes in
your mouth and consume
- After eating most of the cornflakes throw bowl and spoon in the vague
direction of the sink saying
I'll wash those up later
- Don't forget the coffee
- Find your mug (that's the one you've been using for the past year and have
never washed up)
- Get 5kg tin of coffee out of cupboard
- Place 5 tablespoons of coffee into your mug
- Get sugar (if you've run out steal someone else's, they'll never notice)
- Add sugar to mug according to taste
- Place water in kettle (don't worry if it comes out of the tap brown, you're
in student digs after all)
- Turn kettle on
- 15 minutes later shout loudly
why the *#!@(insert favourite expletive)
haven't you boiled yet?
- Plug kettle in
- When kettle has boiled pour enough of the contents into mug to fill it up
- After retrieving a teaspoon from the bottom of the sink (in a similar
manner to the bowl from earlier but without rinsing) attempt to convince
coffee that such a large quantity does want to dissolve in the amount of
water supplied
- Drink coffee DOWN IN ONE (lumps and all)
- Place mug somewhere you can find it next time you want coffee (in about 10
minutes time)
- Leave kitchen having finished breakfast just in time for the early evening
showing of Neighbours (don't forget to leave milk out just to make sure it
goes off)