The Student Breakfast Search

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The following are a series of instructions to students who have recently moved into student digs on how to get the most important meal of the day. That meal being breakfast. These have been provided as a public service to students who suddenly realise that they are going to have to do this for themselves at some point in their existence on this planet.

  1. Stumble into kitchen
  2. Open cupboard
  3. Realise cornflakes packet is in fact empty
  4. Stumble round to shop
  5. Buy cornflakes
  6. Stumble back
  7. Open fridge
  8. Retrieve your milk from fridge
  9. Open and smell milk
  10. Pour away milk because it has gone off!
  11. Stumble back to shop
  12. Buy milk (full cream preferred)
  13. Stumble back home and into the kitchen once again
  14. Place hand in sink of grease and cold water
  15. Try to locate bowl in bottom of sink
  16. Pull out bowl
  17. Rinse bowl briefly under cold tap
  18. Shake bowl until nearly dry
  19. Try to open cornflakes
  20. Once cornflakes are open (and half of them have gone over the floor as the packet exploded) place a few into bowl
  21. Open milk
  22. Pour far too much milk onto the cornflakes in the bowl
  23. Run around like a headless chicken looking for a spoon (this could take some time because it can be guaranteed that your housemates will have hidden them all)
  24. Using the spoon that you eventually locate place the now soggy cornflakes in your mouth and consume
  25. After eating most of the cornflakes throw bowl and spoon in the vague direction of the sink saying I'll wash those up later
  26. Don't forget the coffee
  27. Find your mug (that's the one you've been using for the past year and have never washed up)
  28. Get 5kg tin of coffee out of cupboard
  29. Place 5 tablespoons of coffee into your mug
  30. Get sugar (if you've run out steal someone else's, they'll never notice)
  31. Add sugar to mug according to taste
  32. Place water in kettle (don't worry if it comes out of the tap brown, you're in student digs after all)
  33. Turn kettle on
  34. 15 minutes later shout loudly why the *#!@(insert favourite expletive) haven't you boiled yet?
  35. Plug kettle in
  36. When kettle has boiled pour enough of the contents into mug to fill it up
  37. After retrieving a teaspoon from the bottom of the sink (in a similar manner to the bowl from earlier but without rinsing) attempt to convince coffee that such a large quantity does want to dissolve in the amount of water supplied
  38. Drink coffee DOWN IN ONE (lumps and all)
  39. Place mug somewhere you can find it next time you want coffee (in about 10 minutes time)
  40. Leave kitchen having finished breakfast just in time for the early evening showing of Neighbours (don't forget to leave milk out just to make sure it goes off)